eternalheadache

Here’s my letter to CNN, the official bringer of well known news — >

Dear Senior Editor,

I enjoy your website and all of its very informative stories that I already knew about. I appreciate the fact that when I go to read the news about the economy I’m slapped with 25 pop-ups and embedded ads about lowering my mortgage to $199 per month… I can feel better about signing my life away to the advertiser too because there’s a dancing girl on the page or a puppy with 12 tails wagging and singing at me. I feel I could be a great addition to the writing staff at CNN and here’s why:

1. I can bring years of writing experience to the table (hey, I DO write for several other websites). When you think about it, it doesn’t really matter what types of websites I write for as long as I know how to tap on the keyboard and create cohesive, sometimes interesting snippets of horse manure that other people find humorous or mildly informative.
2. I have absolutely no journalistic experience AT ALL. I understand that a reputable news source like CNN would only want to hire the best journalists in the world to ferry along the stagnant information about the economy going belly up for the 40th time this week but I have no experience. You see, this is a much better situation because I can start off with a clean slate and you can mold me to make me report on the same old tired news sources. Who knows, maybe after I get enough practice in, I can learn how to embed a Ford motors advertisement on an article that talks about Ford possibly going bankrupt… you never know, stranger things have happened.
3. I have a lot of experience in using Apple products. I know what you’re saying… “what kind of Apple reporting expertise could he bring our news source?”. Well, I’ll have you know that I was so surprised that Steve Jobs lost 5 pounds last week because he’s been tired and stressed out that I went and sold 5000 shares of AAPL. I must commend you though, you really had me going with that article. I can bring 7 years of solid Apple experience to your team and I can report on such things like why Apple products are great, why everyone should go out and buy an Ipod that’s been discounted $50 from Wal-Mart, I can even go a little deeper and write a groundbreaking article on how to integrate an Ipod into the brain because I also double as an award winning scientist too.

If you find it in your hearts to consider me for this role I’d be honored to say the least. My first course of action would be to embed myself in the marines in Iraq. My first report could be on the effects of Ipods on soldiers who have nipples on Facebook who are related to Oil company CEOs who go to church with politicians who are denying the mortgage companies bailouts. Now that’s news…

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