eternalheadache

Every era has its own fad. In the 80’s you had tall hair, porkpie hats, Mollie Ringwald’s breasts and teen film dramas (i.e. anything with Molly Ringwald’s breasts in it). In the 90’s we had gangsta rap, a push for video games, alternative music & grimey clothes. In the 21st century however, things are shaping up to be fucking annoying. I don’t know if I just lack the tolerance I had when I was growing up but I think today’s styles are unbelievably dumb and impractical. I’m not saying that sagging your pants in the 90’s was the greatest idea in history but at least the crowd that did it were expected to sit on their asses and drink 40’s all day and not much more. In response to the large push for every pre-pubescent teen to be just like Bam Margera or some other pseudo skate hero, I’m providing this guide to allow groupthink for every teenager that wishes to be completely homogenous. This guide will provide all the need to know fashion rules for such individuals. If you’re not sporting these styles and you just happen to have a skateboard in your hand or in your $300 skateboard tote bag, you’re just not getting the point.

Tight pants in unreasonable situations

Just picture these 4 clearly hipster rejects with skateboards and an attitude that says my mommy gets me WHATEVER I want. Now, I’m not a professional skater nor can I barely even stand up on a skateboard but I can imagine that you’d have to have a little free flow in there (i.e. your balls have to possess the ability to breathe) to skate adequately. Look, we understand that you want all the skater girls out there to have no choice but to super glue their eyes to your package of lil’ smokies since they’re almost seeping out of your pants that are 2 sizes too small but it’s not healthy and it could end up hurting you. What do I know though? This IS a guide so I’ll get the part you really care about.

Where to find them - Well, you have to find the right type of denim because you can’t simply have polyester pants or khakis and expect them to reach the required amount of ball-bursting tightness with a couple of washes on the incendiary wash setting. Try to shoot for Levi’s 511 skinny jeans or something similar. It’s easy enough to find these pants in any JCPenney, Sears or Macy’s. I know most of you wouldn’t be caught dead in your church duds especially at a major department store like the previously mentioned so you could hassle your mother for $75 and hop on your board and go to Zumies or PacSun or some other trendy but horribly overpriced skater shop. Make sure to buy a pair that are at least 2 sizes smaller than what you can reasonably wear at the moment. Don’t worry, you’ll grow into them because the muscles in your legs will atrophy from the lack of blood flow.

Sagging of said tight pants

Now that you have the pants and you’ve shrunk them 4 sizes small, you’re going to need to know just exactly how to wear them. Clearly, teenage girls are not only going to want to see your balls twisted and vaccuum packed into your new duds, they’re also going to need a little more coaxing. Well, it’s a proven fact that teenage girls are .00001% more likely to lust after a skater kid that exhibits some form of plumber’s crack so you’re going to need to do everything you can to increase your chances of picking one up in the next 4 years of high school. When you put your pants on, make sure to sag them just enough to show the brand name on your underwear and not too much to show the crack of your ass. You’re going to need to keep a good eye on that sag level though because if it gets too low, you may show some of those skidmarks you earned from Taco Tuesday last week. However, you’d better keep an eye out because you never know if what you’re doing is illegal.

Keeping it real with the headgear

Now, to create a decent addition to your ensemble, you’ll need to have a hat that properly conveys your feeling, goals and overall, your personal message to the man. You’ll want to look for a hat that cleverly draws attention away from your acne ridden face. You’ll also want to remember that your biggest idols (who also happen to be professional skaters) also wear the most colorful and expensive caps, so you’ll clearly want to do your best to not look like you’re emulating their style but instead taking their style and building upon its foundation. You can find any of these high quality fitted hats in any Lids or New Era warehouse store. If you’re not into the whole shopping at a store thing, you can buy them online from Amazon or some other major internet retailer. However, since you’re trying to prove to everyone that you know what you’re doing, you may just want to go to one of the stores from my approved list so others can see you there and know for a fact that you’re indeed an expert at shopping for hats. If you’re daring enough and don’t think Jessica from 5th period will see you there, you can try to find one of these hats at a major department store such as Target or Wal-Mart but we wouldn’t safely recommend that much risk unless you’re a pro.

How to properly wear them- If you’re supposed to look like you know what you’re doing, you’ll know that you can’t waste any effort wearing the cap the normal way. This, of course, just doesn’t work properly. Not only do you look like someone’s grandfather trying to be 40 years younger, you just look like one of the ‘83 Mets. If the hat is backwards, you’ll just look like you’re stuck in another fad that died in the 90’s and that’s a BIG fashion faux pas. To achieve the proper look, you’ll have to slant your hat slightly and tip it up. To understand exactly what I’m talking about take a look at the diagram:

You’ll notice that the hat is slanted about 20-22 degrees to the right. Don’t forget, if you slant your hat to the left you’ll be considered a fag (much like having a single earring in your right ear). You must also remember to tilt your hat ever so slightly upwards because you’ll want to achieve that I don’t care if my hat is tilted up kind of look. You must always remember that you’re trying to achieve a look that proposes that you don’t really care about your appearance but you do (the outside world doesn’t have to know that, just you and your bedroom mirror do). Keep in mind, that once you find the right hat to fit your style, hold onto it like you would your dick in the shower or else you could end up like this.

Finding the right hoodie for your outfit

The hoodie is the most important part of the outfit and you must remember that. To get the right look you must have the most ridiculous looking, piece of material you can drape over your shoulders. To get the right look, just think of Andy Warhol mixed with Picasso, that should give you a decent idea of what look to go for. IF you still need help, look out for hoodies that have trendy pop culture references on them. They can contain street signs, police badges, broccoli, babies vomiting, whatever is cool and trendy is what should be on your hoodie. You’re in good company if you go to a Zumiez or PacSun because they literally have hundreds of various hoodies with all manner of trendy rich suburban type shit all over them. To be really cool and accomplish greatness among your group of friends, make sure the hoodie you purchase is at least 2 sizes too large to further offset the size of your legs that look like popsickle sticks now. Also remember that you will be required to put the hood up on your new garment because that’ll instantly give you more street cred and make you look and seem as though you’re a thug.

Finding the right shoes

Shoes are the final piece of the perfect skater outfit and they will almost always seal the deal with Jessica in 5th period. Here are a couple of key points to remember about picking the right shoes :

1. You must always have shoes that cost more than 4 times the amount of a normal pair of crap shoes from Payless, etc. Simple math to do in your head and not even a problem - W (for whack kicks) x 4 (the factor we stated earlier) = C (C is for cool factor). We must note that the Cool factor or C is almost always in line with the price of the item. So if you paid $150 for a pair of shoes, your shoes ALONE will have a cool factor of 150 (which is pretty high by the standards of reputation measurements).
2. Will the shoes you buy look like they’re not tied? A key point about the right pair of skater shoes is that they must look like they’re not tied because tying your shoes is restricting man! You have to go against the man and unlace those kicks for if you don’t, you’ll be condemned to a life of being uncool and restrained and who wants that? The shoes you ultimately buy must look as if someone flayed them open with a steak knife. Nice and wide, maybe close to an EEEEE in width.
3. The shoes absolutely must have some skate company’s logo on the side of them, be it DC Shoes, Vans, Adio, DVS, Circa 8, you know the drill and the logo must be BIG. If price is a concern for your mother, let her know that the bigger the logo emblazoned on the side of your shoes, the more props you’ll be giving to that skate company when you’re featured on ESPN’s X Games next year. The bigger the logo, the more money you’ll get via corporate sponsorhsip when you break it big like Shaun White or Tony Hawk.
4. The shoes must ALWAYS be capable of being waxed up and grinded on. Hey, you never know when you’ll be without your skateboard and have to show off for Jessica right? Better safe than sorry.

Now, go forth, you have all the tools to be the coolest, hippest, trendiest (insert adjective for awesome here) to impress all of your friends and be the skate hero you’ve always wanted to be.

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